Captain Planet: Return to Hot Men Island
by thecoffeebringer
Summary: We finally reach the end of the story. Will Snape be able to overcome his jealousy and forgive his true love? Will Sirius' evil plot succeed? The conclusion is finally here! This is good music that I'm listening to. But I digress...
1. A Man

Disclaimer: I sincerely apologize to JK Rowlings, William Shakespeare, and Britney Spears for the ripping off of their works.  
  
"What am I to do with my life?" asked Harry despondently.  
  
"You will find it out, don't worry." said Snape softly.  
  
"How am I supposed to make it right?" Harry queried.  
  
"You've just got to do it your way." responded Snape.  
  
"I can't help the way I feel," said Harry looking up at the stern Potions professor, "but my life has been so..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"So..." Harry paused, searching his mind for a word that could describe how he felt, after all the years of lies and deception, "so...overprotected."  
  
Snape looked at his young student with a tenderness that surprised him. The two men moved their faces closer until their lips were almost touching. Harry could feel Snape's hot breath on his lips and... (a/n: author is so horribly disturbed by this scene that she is choosing to let the reader infer what is happening. so there)  
  
A year after the wedding of Harry Potter and Severus Snape (a/n: ** shudder **) the two were living quietly in London where Snape served as the Minister of Magic and Harry, well, Harry was just Snape's love slave. Snape was a hero to the magical community, having rid the world of the evil Voldemort and forcing him to make blouses for high ranking government officials. Voldemort wasn't much of a blouse-maker and he was anxious to return to power. Then there was Sirius Black and he hated Snape because Snape was cooler than he was and he very much resented it.  
  
Slowly, Black began to form a plan. It was perfect in its simplicity. He would destroy Snape once and for all by convincing him that Harry was cheating on him. Black rubbed his hands together evilly and laughed, "Muahahahaha!!! Soon, Snape will be gone and I will rule the world!!!" He set about his plan quickly, going to the blouse-making shop to see Voldemort.  
  
"Voldemort, what's up?"  
  
"Nothing," said Voldemort, "I have to finish all these blouses and this one is so not-form-fitting! Tcha, I wouldn't be caught dead in something so unstylish."  
  
"Why are you gay in all of this author's stories?"  
  
Voldemort shrugged, "So... Remus, sweetie, whatever did you come here to ask me about, you cute little werewolf, you!"  
  
"Do you want to rule the world again?"  
  
"Do I get to wear my pink robes again?"  
  
"Um...sure"  
  
"OOOOHH, the one with the little hearts embroidered on the sleeve?! I LOVE those robes," his face suddenly turned crestfallen, "I can't believe Snape made me wear these gray robes, I mean, the fabrics so do not match my complexion!"  
  
"Whatever, look, here's the plan: Snape is Harry's bitch, he'll do whatever Harry tells him. Go to Harry and tell him to make Snape let you take over the world again."  
  
"Hmm, I don't know, Remus. I killed the cutie's parents and all the bad stuff in his life has revolved around me in some way or another. I don't think he'll be too eager to help me," then with a flutter of his hand and an extravagant wave of his arms he said, "Oh, what the heck! I'll go for it! I'll ask Harry to let me takeover the world again."  
  
"Excellent..." murmured Remus under his breath, rubbing his hands together in classic supervillain mode.  
  
a/n: dude, I was reading this over and I realized I switched villains midway. Tee-hee. That's what happens when you listen to music and type at the same time. 


	2. A Plan

Author's Note: I can't believe I got reviews! Weird… anyway, thank you very much to Me!^.^, Tidmag, Sailor Moirae, and as always, Briské : ) I have also decided, after much soul searching, to make Sirius Black the villain.  
  
"I tell them what I like, what I want, and what I don't," said Voldemort looking at his blouses dissatisfied and sighed, "but everytime I do, I stand corrected."  
  
"I'm sorry that you're blouse making isn't going so well," said Harry solemnly. He couldn't believe that Voldemort, his mortal enemy, had invited him to his blouse making shop. Harry looked around at the drab, course blouses that abounded and felt a twinge of guilt for the poor evil wizard before him. Surely, whatever Voldemort had done, it didn't warrant his being forced to make ugly blouses.  
  
"I long above all else to wear my pink robe of power again," said Voldemort sadly.  
  
"Ooooh," cooed Harry, "the one with the little embroidered hearts?"  
  
"Yes," said Voldemort longingly, "if only Snape would let me out of this drab shop so I can reconquer the world."  
  
"I wish I could help you," said Harry sadly, then his face brightened, "I'll tell Snape how miserable you are here and then he'll let you return to power!"  
  
"Oh, would you?" said Voldemort smiling sweetly, "I'd be ever so grateful!"  
  
Sirius walked quickly into the Ministry of Magic. He was secretary to Severus Snape, although he preferred the term "administrative assistant." Snape was hunched over his desk perusing a sheet of parchment.  
  
"What's that?" asked Sirius, feigning an interest. It was important that he never let Snape know how much he truly detested him.  
  
"Why, Sirius," said Snape, looking up, "I didn't see you there. Come in. I was just examining this document. It is in some ancient language that I cannot understand," he sighed, "we must decipher it's meaning or the world may suffer the consequences."  
  
"It's your grocery list and you're reading it upside down."  
  
Snape turned the sheet rightside up and read, "Two eggs, One gallon of milk (chocolate), Strawberries… well, that's unfortunate!"  
  
"That you wasted time trying to decipher your grocery list?"  
  
"No," said Snape pensively, "strawberries are out of season."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Harry won't be able to make his pie without fresh strawberries. Darn!"  
  
"Speaking of Harry," said Sirius feigning concern, "have you noticed that he and Voldemort seem to be getting a little… oh never mind."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"It's just that, well, it's probably nothing."  
  
"I'll take your word for it."  
  
"I mean, what would a guy like Harry see in an evil monster like Voldemort anyway?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Damn it, Snape, get mad."  
  
Snape shrugged, "Okay then. DAMN IT WHY AREN'T STRAWBERRIES IN SEASON!?!?!"  
  
"I meant," said Sirius, "about Harry and Voldemort."  
  
"Oh," said Snape, "what about them?"  
  
"Have you been listening to me at all?"  
  
Snape paused and said, "No."  
  
"Harry and Voldemort are sleeping together."  
  
"What!?!"  
  
"I know, this is shocking," said Sirius, pretending to be upset.  
  
"Why would I need to buy only two eggs? Don't they come in cartons of 12?!?! I mean, who buys two eggs? This is horrible!"  
  
"Oh, will you forget about your damn grocery list!"  
  
"You're packing this dialogue sequence with profanity to maintain the PG-13 rating, aren't you?" asked Snape suspiciously.  
  
"I'm going to spell this our for you: H-a-r-r-y I-s s-l-e-e-p-I-n-g w-I-t-h v-o-l-d-e-m-o-r-t."  
  
"Yeah…" said Snape smiling, "I love the part where the little spinning door goes around."  
  
"I think you misheard me."  
  
"Sirius, if you're trying to hint at something, you might as well come out and say it."  
  
"Harry and Voldemort," began Sirius, "are sleeping with each other."  
  
Snape gasped, "No. Not my Harry-warrykins!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"NOOOOOO!"  
  
"Look in your magic mirror," said Sirius, "you'll see the two looking cozy.  
  
Snape rushed over to his desk and picked up a silver mirror looking deeply into it he said, "all I see is a dude with a big nose."  
  
"Try looking into the magic mirror."  
  
"Oh, good point."  
  
Snape looked into the magic mirror and saw Harry and Voldemort talking closely in Voldemort's blouse shop. "This is shocking! I can't believe Harry is cheating on me!" he looked closer, "and those blouses are really ugly. No wonder Voldemort wants his pink robe back."  
  
"The one with the little hearts embroidered on the sleeves?"  
  
"Yes. Something must be done about this!"  
  
"You could wear the robe yourself and he would never get it that way."  
  
"I mean about Harry!"  
  
TBC 


	3. A Canal

In addition to the former disclaimer, I must now add that Tolkien is to be added to the list of author's I stole from to create this masterpiece of human experience that you see before you in all it's glory. Shakespeare, Britney, and Rowlings are still being stolen from in every chapter.  
  
Author's Note: Thank you so so so much to my reviewers. They are myself, Briske (with an accent on the e of course) and Katherine aka Star. Yeah, you guys are awesome.  
  
"Things that I've been told," sighed Harry deeply, "I can't believe what I hear about the world. I realize I'm overprotected..."  
  
"There must be another way," said Snape coldly to himself.  
  
"...because I believe in taking chances, but who am I to say?"  
  
"Indeed," said Snape to Harry in a frosty tone. He hadn't really been paying attention to anything his lover had said. His mind lingered in the blouse shop where he had seen Harry and Voldemort together, not to mention those ugly blouses.  
  
"Severus, honey," said Harry sweetly, "did you get the strawberries for my pie?"  
  
"No, they're out of season."  
  
"Oh, how silly of me to forget. Now we have no dessert and Gollum and Sauron were coming over tonight. Oh drat!"  
  
"Ah yes, Sauron, he is very loyal. He would never cheat on Gollum." Snape watched Harry's face very closely to see if the suggestion would lead Harry to betray his infidelity (a/n: what a redundant sentence).  
  
"Actually, I heard he and Aragorn had a thing going for a while," said Harry nonchalantly, "you know, he's a Ranger of easy virtue as they say. Well, that's what Ron said anyway, and boy should he know!"  
  
Snape was shocked! He couldn't believe that Sauron would cheat on Gollum, after all the two had been through together. Terrible! What was the world coming to?  
  
"Were you listening to what I said before, sweetie?" asked Harry.  
  
"No." said Snape coldly, his anger apparent.  
  
Harry was unfazed, "About Voldemort..."  
  
"You two are sleeping together!" cried Snape, "I knew it! I can't believe you would do something like this to me!" he covered his face and began to weep like a little girl.  
  
"No..." said Harry, "we're not sleeping together, but he is miserable in that blouse shop. Won't you let him reconquer the world?"  
  
"I don't want to talk about it!" squealed Snape, running up the stairs to collapse on his bed. He proceeded to watch eight episodes of "Behind the Music" before reemerging and facing Harry.  
  
When Snape entered the dining room, he saw they had company. Harry was seated next to Gollum, who was holding hands with Sauron and horror of horrors, there was Voldemort! Snape couldn't believe that bitch had the nerve to waltz right into his house after what he had done.  
  
"Hello, Ssssnape," said Gollum cheerfully, "we wasss wondering where you were."  
  
"What is * he *," Snape pointed to Voldemort, "doing in my house."  
  
"Well, honey," said Harry quietly, "I thought maybe you two could talk over your differences."  
  
"Snape," began Voldemort, "I really want to wear my pink robe of power once more..."  
  
"Ooooh," said Sauron, "the one with the little embroidered hearts?"  
  
"Yes," replied Voldemort, "I miss it, it's precious to me."  
  
Gollum looked up.  
  
"No!" said Snape, "you won't have your robe and you won't have Harry! If I can't have him, no one will!" Snape lunged for Harry and grabbed him by the throat.  
  
"Snape," said Harry blushing, "not in front of the guests, you'll sully my reputation." suddenly Harry said, "Oh wait, you're trying to kill me! Noooooo!"  
  
"Excellent," said Sirius, walking out of nowhere because the author forgot to add him in the earlier description, "My plan is almost complete. With Snape out of my way, I will build a canal so that ships will be able to navigate the waters of Hot Men Island."  
  
"That," said Sauron with a flutter of his hand, "is the stupidest plan I have ever heard."  
  
"Oh really," said Sirius sharply with a toss of his head, "well, I hear they keep Aragorn on that island so I * know* you've been there before."  
  
Sauron's cheeks turned a brilliant shade of crimson and he looked down at his plate in shame.  
  
"Somebody help me!" yelled Harry as Snape continued to attempt to murder him.  
  
"Oh," said Voldemort worriedly, "this is all my fault. I let Sirius advise me because I wanted to wear my pink robe again."  
  
"The one with little hearts embroidered on the ssssleavesss?" asked Gollum.  
  
"Yes," sighed Voldemort despondently, "and now look at what's happened: Harry's being killed by Snape, Sauron's infidelity's are being exposed, and Sirius' pointless evil plot will be successful. There must be a way to stop all of this!"  
  
Voldemort searched for the answer and looked down at his hand. "Aha!" he exclaimed.  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
Author's Note: Please review : ) We likes reviews, don't we preciousss? 


	4. Panama

Author's Note: I finished my, um, novel and downloaded the "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" soundtrack. Am currently listening to "I'll Fly Away" and writing because of the constant barrage of requests. Thank you muchly to everyone who reviewed, 'twas mucho appreciated. :-)  
  
"Say hello to the girl that I am!" said Snape fiercely as he continued to strangle Harry.  
  
"You're going to have to see through my perspective!" choked Harry in his defense.  
  
"I need to make mistakes," sobbed Sauron to Gollum, "just to learn who I am."  
  
"And I," said Gollum, "Don't want to be so damn protected!"  
  
"Guys, guys!" shouted Voldemort, "Were you listening to me?"  
  
"No." shouted everyone.  
  
"I said 'Aha!'" said Voldemort proudly.  
  
"I really like that song by Aha. " said Harry.  
  
"Me too!" said Snape, withdrawing his hands from Harry's throat, "we have so much in common, my love!"  
  
"I know we do," said Harry demurely, "I always loved you Severus. I would never give myself to another man."  
  
"Oh Harry! I'm sorry I ever mistrusted you!" Snape began to sob and Harry stroked his lover's hair.  
  
"Awwwww!" said the whole room.  
  
"But I want to go to Hot Men Island!" pouted Sirius, slamming his foot on the floor.  
  
"I have a solution that should allow all of us to go to Hot Men Island!" said Voldemort enthusiastically, "We can call Captain Planet and he'll take us there. That way we don't have to build a canal."  
  
"That's a great idea!" said Sirius, "everybody, get out your rings!"  
  
"Heart!" The six of them cried simultaneously.  
  
"What the hell?" said Sirius, "why do we all have the gay power?"  
  
"Oh, you know why," said a sagely voice from behind them. Gandalf the Grey emerged from the living room along with Hermione, Cho, and Legolas.  
  
"We'll help you guys summon Captain Planet," said Hermione, "Wind!"  
  
"Water!" shouted Cho.  
  
"Earth!" shouted Gandalf.  
  
"Fire!" shouted Legolas, because he's hot, get it? Okay then.  
  
"Heart!" shouted all the others.  
  
"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" said Captain Planet.  
  
"Captain Planet," began Voldemort, "can you restore my pink robe of power?"  
  
"Ooooh, the one with little hearts on the sleeves?" asked Captain Planet.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Sure." And the Captain waved his hand and Voldemort was stripped of his ugly robes and restored to his pink robe of power.  
  
"Gee, thanks!" said Voldemort who was beaming with happiness.  
  
"And can you take us all to Hot Men Island?" asked Sirius.  
  
"All right!" said Gandalf.  
  
"Let's go!" said Hermione and Cho.  
  
"Can't wait!" said Sirius and Voldemort.  
  
"I like girls." Said Legolas.  
  
"Actually," said Snape, looking deeply into Harry's eyes, "I don't think I want to go to Hot Men Island. I'd rather spend one night with Harry than spend an eternity in the arms of a burly Ranger."  
  
"Awwww!" said the room.  
  
Harry looked down at the floor and blushed, "I feel the same way, Severus" he whispered modestly.  
  
Sauron looked at Gollum, and Gollum looked away. Sauron was overcome with guilt. What he had with Aragorn was purely physical. Aragorn made him burn with passion, but had never tempted his heart. Giving in to that temptation had made him hurt the one man he could ever really love. "I'm not going either," Sauron said.  
  
"Why not?" asked Gollum, "I don't expect you to give up all those hot men for me. I know I'm not a hot ranger and I never will be, but I want you to know that I love you and I just want you to be happy. That is, I…" he was interrupted when Sauron swept him into his strong arms and kissed him passionately.  
  
"Awwwww!" said the room.  
  
The… End!  
  
A/N: Not as funny as the other chapters, but there's a lesson to be learned. Plus, that ending was basically the entire, um, novel I read. Did you know that the Dragon Lord was instrumental in the drafting of the Magna Carta in 1215 as well as being an impossibly handsome and impossibly good-in-bed "rake" who bathes daily. What's up with that? I don't think it was a historically accurate book. At least it had the unforgettable deflowering. 


End file.
